survival

Despite being a 4-day week after a relaxing 3-day weekend, I must say that Week 6 was probably the most difficult week I've gone through thus far. Like I mentioned in my last post, on Tuesday, I nearly had a nervous breakdown and was seriously going to call it quits. Even though the promise that, after winter break, I will have a hang of things has been repeated to me over and over and over, when each moment in the classroom is an unknown between calm and chaos, when each day is an unknown as to whether I'll make it through, when each week is an unknown as to whether I'll be able to get my act together at least a little bit more, that promise of "TEACHER-dom" seems false.

But the funny thing is, when I've gone through a week and I am able to sit down on a Saturday morning and reflect on things, it all doesn't seem that bad. Yes, the lesson planning is still shaky. Yes, the students push in every single one of my buttons. Yes, my life is flipping mess. And yes, the list of things that I must do to become a better teacher has not gotten any smaller. But, hey, I'm there, and my kids are there, and I got through another week.

According to an article titled "The Phases of First Year Teaching" (by Ellen Moir) that my ASU instructor sent me after my desperate cry for help, I'm currently in the survival stage:

The first month of school is very overwhelming for new teachers. They are learning a lot and at a
very rapid pace. Beginning teachers are instantly bombarded with a variety of problems and situations
they had not anticipated. Despite teacher preparation programs, new teachers are caught off guard by
the realities of teaching. “I thought I’d be busy, something like student teaching, but this is crazy.
I’m feeling like I’m constantly running. It’s hard to focus on other aspects of my life.”
During the survival phase, most new teachers struggle to keep their heads above water. They
become very focused and consumed with the day-to-day routine of teaching. There is little time
to stop and reflect on their experiences. It is not uncommon for new teachers to spend up to seventy
hours a week on schoolwork. Particularly overwhelming is the constant need to
develop curriculum. Veteran teachers routinely reuse excellent lessons and units from the past.
New teachers, still uncertain of what will really work, must develop their lessons for the first
time. Even depending on unfamiliar prepared curriculum such as textbooks is enormously
time consuming. “I thought there would be more time to get everything done. It’s like working three jobs: 7:30–2:30, 2:30–6:00, with more time spent in the evening and on weekends.” Although tired and surprised by the amount of work, first-year teachers usually maintain a tremendous amount of energy and commitment during the survival phase, harboring hope that soon the turmoil will subside.

At the moment, I'm currently in the mix of the survival phase and the next stage, which is disillusionment.

After six to eight weeks of nonstop work and stress, new teachers enter the disillusionment phase. The intensity and length of the phase varies among new teachers. The extensive time commitment, the realization that things are probably not going as smoothly as they want, and low morale contribute to this period of disenchantment. New teachers begin questioning both their commitment and their competence... During the disillusionment phase classroom management is a major source of distress. “I thought I’d be focusing more on curriculum and less on classroom management and discipline. I’m stressed because I have some very problematic students who are low academically, and I think about them every second my eyes are open.” At this point, the accumulated stress of the first-year teacher, coupled with months of excessive time allotted to teaching, often brings complaints from family members and friends. This is a very difficult and challenging phase for new entries into the profession. They express self-doubt, have lower self-esteem and question their professional commitment. In fact, getting through this phase may be the toughest challenge they face as a new teacher.

It's a bit crazy how accurate the descriptions in this article are. It's nice to know that what I'm going through is normal. However, I also don't necessarily feel any better about going into the classroom each week. But then, after winter break (yes, that promise again...), I'm supposed to enter the "Rejuvenation Phase." It's during this phase that I'll finally be able to focus on curriculum, long-term planning, and actual teaching strategies.

So the lesson of day: it's okay to suck - which has been the lesson all along. And so, on another Saturday, as I attempt to plan for and anticipate another week at school, I once again tell myself to grit my teeth and suck it up. I need to keep telling myself that fall break is three weeks away, Thanksgiving is just over 2 months away, and winter break is just a reach after that.

And I always remind myself as to why I joined this movement, why I took this job. I wanted a challenge. I wanted a job that would allow me to help others. I wanted a job that I could feel good about when I got through it. So far, this job has delivered on one of the promises: it's a challenge beyond all challenges. Let's hope that that in the end, it'll deliver on the others: that I'll have helped my students and that I'll get through it.

In the meantime, let the disillusionment begin...