the end (of the calendar year) is drawing near...

I've started this post many many times over the past couple weeks but just have never had time to complete it. But I have so many Cornellians asking me about what the Teach For America experience is like and how my life in Phoenix is that today, on a no-school day, I'm finally forcing myself to think about how my life has been the past couple weeks.

So what to call my experience at the current moment... all I can do is chuckle.

Right now, I'm in one of those completely optimistic moments, when the two years seems completely possible, it seems like it's going to be over in a blink of eye. And no, what I see being possible is not my being an inspirational guru marching my students to success, but rather my making it out alive from the daily struggle that is teaching in a Title 1 school in a very sad pocket of town that is Glendale, AZ.

My students are unruly and behind and unmotivated. The school just has so many things going on - when you have 900 K-8 students in one school with only 2 administrators (who really are trying their best), it's a wonder that the school hasn't blown up yet. And, really, there are just too many bureaucratic forces at play that discount the true reason why schools even exist: to educate children.

And while a lot of it comes down to forces that are out of my control (I really can't do anything about the crappy educational system in the state of AZ), a lot of the things that I get frustrated and stressed out about on a daily basis are hinged on the fact that I am a sucky teacher. Having only done this for four months, the fact that I can even entertain my kids for a full school day is amazing. But really, to effectively engage and educate the 27 young minds that sit in front of me, many of whom might be dealing with some pretty heavy stuff outside of school (even more so than anything I have to deal with everyday), I need skills that I don't yet have. And really, what I hate even more than my whining students and the lack of motivation is that I am so bad at something. Really, all through high school and Cornell, I have never been this bad at something (high-school physics might be a good match). And the funny thing is that no matter how much time I put into it, I still suck.

Yes, I always complain about the same thing and then have to encourage myself at the end of every blogpost, but, really, the fact that I can try so hard and still be so bad at something really goes against everything else that I've truly had to struggle against thus far. And yes, I will probably get better over time and the second year will get better, but, right now, when I have to get up at 5:15AM every morning and muscle up enough energy to teach for 7 hours, being a teacher is just as agonizing as having to be the student sitting there the whole day listening to the bumbling fool that is Mr. Cho.

And frankly, I completely understand the whole disillusionment phase that "the experts" talk about in the life of the first-year teacher because, frankly, at the moment, I don't have the motivation to develop new ways of motivating my students, of engaging them in learning, of improving procedures in the class. Right now, I am completely fine just getting into class, "teaching" some lessons, getting angry at them several times a day, and then getting my ass out of the classroom to grade and prepare for the next day while sitting on the couch. I'm counting down the days to Thanksgiving (one week) and then to Winter Break (3 weeks after Thanksgiving).

I will say that aspects of teaching, however, have gotten easier. I'm not going to sleep at 6PM and waking up at 3AM to frantically put together lessons for the next day (thanks to some very helpful 2nd year Corps members who hand me lesson plans). I'm better at pulling activities and lessons out of my butt if the situation calls for it. I'm better at not letting my students get to me. I'm better at just being a strict, perhaps mean, disciplinary force in the classroom. I'm better at connecting with those students who want to connect with me. I'm better at a lot of the aspects of the teacher thing, which is encouraging. And, so far, according to TFA, ASU, my school, and the district, I'm doing a GREAT JOB, so at least I'm not going to lose my job as a teacher anytime soon.

For those college seniors who are reading this and thinking that Teach For America is marketing a lie, I will say that I am not trying to make this statement. There are moments in the classroom when I do feel like a real teacher truly helping my students. And I'm sure when I'm done with this experience and move on to the next, I will look back and be able to call this hot mess something that was rewarding. Despite the hell that teaching is, I am still a fan of the Teach For America brand and am a hopelessly devoted fool for what that brand represents (perhaps more so than most other corps members). But, at the same time, despite the many many times that people told me how difficult the experience is, I never truly believed it would be THIS difficult. What I'm doing is HARD and TRYING and DIFFICULT and STRESSFUL. I am on a daily emotional roller coaster - e.g., I just teared while thumbing through the Cornell Alumni Magazine. And hopefully if and when I make it through, I'll reflect upon the experience as Mark Twain did:

"I'm glad I did it, partly because it was well worth it, but chiefly because I shall never have to do it again."

**This quote for some reason was listed in a book about elementary literacy that I'm reading for grad class. I have no idea what the connection is to elementary literacy.**