the very late second post

Every time I think about my blog, I get stressed out. I realize how bad I am at keeping up any type of consistent form of reflective communication, and then my obsessive personality has me constantly thinking about how I need to update the blog. I find it easier to just not write and move on with my day. But I also think about how many calls I've been unable to answer and how many emails are still waiting unread in my inbox and realize that this is probably the easiest way to keep people up-to-date about my life. Consider it the cop out way of keeping in touch, or, perhaps, the first year teacher's way of somehow trying to ensure that his only human companions are not the twenty seven 10-year-olds that he sees for seven hours a day. Which is why I'm sitting here in a bagel shop on a Sunday morning, stealing Starbucks internet, to update you on what has been the most highly-volatile month of my adult life.

So, just to let y'all know, I have survived the following in the past month or so: the end of summer institute, new teacher district training, moving into a new apartment, setting up the classroom (or at least the basics anyways), and, most importantly, THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL - can I please get a truck driver cheer for Mr. Cho? (Woo! Woo! Good job little buddy!)

So the hot question of the week: "How was your first week of school?" I've found that question extremely difficult to answer. The answer that I've been giving people is, "I'm still smiling and haven't submitted my letter of resignation yet, so I'm thinking that's a good sign." I think that people are expecting answers similar to the following:

• "It was so great! I love teaching." or "It's horrible. I can't do this."
• "The children are so cute. I'm in love with them already." or "My class is horrible. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through a whole 10 months with them."
• "I'm such a great instructor. My class is so set for the year. We are going to own the AIMS test (the AZ assessment)." or "I don't know what the #*%! I'm doing. My kids are so screwed. We're all going to hell in a handbasket."

I can assure you that every single day, I have had all of the above thoughts running through my mind at one point. I got through the first day thinking that everything had gone relatively smoothly. Then, I got home and realized all the things that could have been done so much better and had no desire to go back the next day. However, the next morning, I still got up and went into the classroom and did my thing. I though I knew what procedures I wanted in the classroom, taught them well, and thought that I totally had the teaching thing down. Then, I saw all of the ways in which the processes that I had devised fell apart and had no idea how I might be able to guide my students all the way to next May. I thought I was such a great objective instructor, able to be strict, seeing my students walk perfectly in a line. Then, the next day, my students are so rowdy that I have to be even stricter, and I find myself questioning my methods and whether my kids actually respect me as their teacher or find the classroom to be a welcoming envrionment.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster, and, for those of you know me, I don't do emotions very well. Each minute in the classroom, each afternoon when I was still organizing the classroom, and each night when I was rushing to put together some sort of lesson for the next day, my views on the classroom and myself as a teacher and my outlook on the next two years ranged from the absolute ideal to utter destruction, devastation, and chaos. Every time I told my kids how well they were doing, it was as much to encourage myself because, every time I had to discipline my class, I felt like it was a punch to my not-quite-so-developed teacher psyche. My normally objective mind would not feel so emotionally attached to all of this, but my perfectionist mentality has made it extremely difficult to approach this situation with complete objectivity.

What I can say, though, is that no amount of training could have prepared me for the past week. Institute was a great introduction to teaching and I developed so much as a teacher due to those five weeks, but being in charge of my own classroom is nothing like what I experienced this summer. Also, all of the advice that other people had given me, while extremely helpful, did nothing to make the first week any easier because everyone's advice was based on their own classroom dynamics. In my classroom, for example, I tend to have more problems with the precocious, well-spoken girls than the boys (a stark contrast from the other 5th-grade teachers' classes at my school). Most of my students do not like sitting and working and sitting in groups, hence, the third rearrangement of my seating within the past two weeks and a need to completely rework certain procedures in the classroom. Also, the quietest, least-assuming, shyest students in my class have historically had the highest achievement levels in school (making it difficult to incorporate their knowledge and mastery into classroom discussions).

Thus, many of the procedures that I had adopted due to the suggestion of others either do not work or had/have to be catered to my class. I'm sure someone told me this during institute and it seems a rather obvious statement, but it's something that I didn't fully understand until I actually had to work with my 27 students. And, perhaps, that's the biggest reason for my feeling unprepared for that first week. Nothing makes sense until you're actually in front of your classroom that first morning. The kids are trying to figure you out. You're trying to figure your kids out. It's a well-choreographed dance that no one can learn unless you're actually on the dance floor (excuse my rather feeble attempt to be metaphorical).

And having been through my first week has anything changed? Not really. I still don't know exactly how some procedures are going to work. I do not know how the new seating arrangements will work. I do not know what I need to do to ensure that my students can't sit still in their seats. I don't know what motivates my students. I don't know what the heck I'm going to be doing in the classroom for 7 hours tomorrow. And I definitely don't know how I will survive through this first year.

But what I do know is that SOMEHOW, through divine intervention, by the grace of God, I got through the first week. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what would work. But I made it, and, now, I'm beginning my second week of school tomorrow. Hopefully, it'll all fall into place at some point. And hopefully, that puzzle will come together sooner than later.

P.S. I can say that I've never prayed harder and more often than I have this past week. I'm definitely in a place of utter dependence because I've never felt more helpless than I do now.

P.P.S. I promise a less emotional, more anecdotal & fact-driven post next time.